Guilty Conscience
by Spydurwebb
Summary: After the events of "Waters of Mars", the Doctor needs something that only his best friend can provide, even if he doesn't know exactly what that is. Post Series 3 of SJA for Sarah.
1. Guilty Conscience

GUILTY CONSCIOUS

You stand on the doorstep of 13 Bannerman Road, hands jammed in your trouser pockets, rocking on the balls of your feet and staring at your trainers. It would be so simple, just ring the doorbell, but that is truly the hardest part. The last time you saw Sarah Jane was just after her non-wedding to Peter Dalton. Unfortunately, you know her well enough to know what heartbreak looks like. You've seen it in her eyes before, and hated it just as much then as you do now.

You should just ring the doorbell. Sarah or Luke will answer, usher you in, probably offer you tea and somehow, you'll find a way to talk to Sarah apart from Luke. She'll understand, certainly. She'll be sympathetic, caring and kind as always. She won't judge you. She's your best friend, after all.

Standing by your side, you've seen death and destruction, faced it together, even mourned when there was no other way. However, this is different. This time, you crossed the line and you know it. You took matters into your own hands and tried to change time, with disastrous consequences. Is this a line your best friend can't cross? Will she understand why you've done what you've done?

You need her reassurances, need her…absolution? Why are her thoughts and feelings so important to you, after all this time? You've spent more years apart than together, but she is so important to you. Yet not just to you, but to the universe as a whole. You pause, this time your finger is hovering over the doorbell. You want to think you know what her reaction will be, but only time will tell you the true answer.

You ring the doorbell and wait. Thirty-six point four seconds, to be exact before the door opens. You watch the look of surprise cross Sarah's features just before being replaced by a large smile. Wordlessly, she ushers you in. She barely has time to shut the door before you catch her up in a large hug, lifting her off the ground and holding her tightly.

She prompts you with questions, forcing you to speak of the things you never would have before. She challenges you to confront what happened and continuously asks you 'why' and 'what happened next' to dig past the walls you've evicted to try to keep everyone out. She always did have the ability to force you to deal with things you never wanted to. However, she never judges, simply listens to all you have to say.

This was exactly what you needed. She allows you to be yourself, and if you really admit it, she allows you to forgive yourself. Just the tone of her voice as she speaks is enough to soothe you, and now you know why the TARDIS brought you here. Sometimes the TARDIS knows best.

You watch as her eyes get heavier and heavier as your conversation lasts into the wee hours of the morning. Her yawns get closer together. Finally, you smile and encourage her to get some sleep. Her eyes study yours, but you assure her that you'll still be here in the morning. You're not ready to say goodbye just yet. She stands, reaches out and squeezes your hand reassuringly before heading upstairs.

You poke around her living room and kitchen, making slight adjustments to all of her electronics and kitchen appliances before deciding everything is in perfect working condition. You head upstairs, fully intent on going to the attic to give both Mr. Smith and K9 an upgrade, but you pause on the landing. Your feet carry you automatically to Sarah's bedroom. You silently open the door and smile at Sarah's sleeping form.

You ponder less than a second before crossing the room. You slip off your shoes and jacket and ease into bed behind her. She doesn't act surprised as you slip your arms around her and hold her close, spooning your body to hers. She reaches up covers your hands with hers, but says nothing. You lean in close and breathe in the scent of her hair, committing it to memory.

You feel her breathing even back out and not for the first time, you regret not returning for her after your forced separation. Your stature is smaller now, but she still feels so tiny in your arms. You want to stay and protect her, as though it were yesterday you last held her and not hundreds of years ago. You allow your eyes to close as your memories drift back to a time when holding her was normal. The memories finally chase you into slumber.

You rouse as she turns in your arms. She faces you now, but she's still asleep. The desire to kiss her is strong, but you know she wouldn't appreciate that. Your relationship progressed past that long ago, and you lost the right when you left her. The fact that she didn't throw you out of her bed instantly is more a testament to her forgiveness and caring than anything you deserve.

Her eyes open and immediately lock with yours. She gives you an easy smile and reaches up to smooth down your shirt. Her touch is feather light, as if discovering whether you are real or not. You wish you'd taken off your shirt as well, just to have that touch against your skin. Another memory you could take with you when you leave.

And leave you must. You've never been able to allow yourself to stay. Not with any of your companions, but especially not with Sarah. She got close, perhaps too close. And if you look at the way her life is now, you're proud, because she's got youngsters that look up to her. She saves the universe from her attic in Ealing. She's committed to one place and one time. Something you could never do. That makes her better than you in so many respects.

You reach up and ghost the back of your fingers along her face. She faces danger on an almost daily basis. Something you taught her. And now she teaches others. You wish you could spend more time with her, that you could spirit her back into time and space with you. That she could stay with you forever. Your best friend, standing beside you yet again. You know that even if you offer, she'll turn you down. She has responsibilities here.

She offers you breakfast and something seems so domestic about it. Wrong, yet right in the same moment. As she starts to pull away, you take her hands in yours and bring them up to your lips. A silent thank you to her for continuing to be your Sarah Jane.

Luke joins you for breakfast and asks lots of questions. His scientific mind is astonishing and with Sarah's encouragement will only continue to flourish. Luke provides someone for Sarah to care and fuss over. Sarah gives Luke insight into what it means to be human. Luke quickly gulps down some juice and toast before heading off to school. You see a side of Sarah that you've never seen before. It suits her.

A plan formulates in your mind. You will find a way to be with her again. Not now, and maybe not even in the near future, but you're a Time Lord. The urges of Time Lord Victorious come up again, but you quickly banish them. That's what got you here in the first place. She looks over at you and tilts her head. She's studying you again. Her eyes make you want to confess to all of the things that have crashed through your mind in the hours since you arrived on her doorstep.

You finally decide to tell her about the Ood prophecy. Her eyes glisten with tears that don't fall, but you reach out to hold her face and caress her cheek with your thumbs. You stand and pull her to stand in front of you. Giving in, you finally lean down to kiss her, and in that instant, time is erased and you're the curly-haired scarf wearing bohemian and she's the inquisitive journalist just beginning your time together.

You know you have to leave, but you can't pull yourself away. After so long of not having her in your life, this feels like a gift. A gift you will cherish through all your remaining regenerations. She understands that you need to leave, but the look in her eyes roots you to the spot. You wrap your arms around her again, holding her close and memorising everything about her.

Everything you need, she's given you. And all without you outwardly asking for anything. She just knew. She always knows. That's what makes her so special to you. And if you have your way, she will never lose sight of just how special she is.


	2. Soothing Influence

SOOTHING INFLUENCE

You've checked in with Mr. Smith and K9 for the night. You plan on settling down with a good book and having an early night. Luke is in his room, wrapping up his homework, since Clyde and Rani have already gone home. Your house is yours alone and it gives you time to pause and reflect after a hectic day.

Today hasn't been overly difficult, but you've had a challenging few weeks. You finally opened your heart to someone, and ultimately it wasn't even real, but something concocted by one of your enemies to try to destroy you. It didn't, you wouldn't let it. You're too strong for that, but you would be lying if you didn't admit that you were devastated.

You've tried really hard to move forward, but on a night like tonight, you risk wallowing in that emotion. You ponder having a glass of wine, or even something stronger, but that would just give someone else the victory. You've never been one to allow anyone to have control over you, at least not intentionally.

Sitting on the sofa, you bury your face in your hands and focus on keeping the tears at bay. You've already cried so many times, would one more tear accomplish anything? Your thoughts drift to the Doctor and his running in to try to stop the wedding. He tried so hard to protect you, just like always.

When the doorbell rings, you wonder why your thoughts have drifted to him. You focus now on answering the door, intent on quickly ridding yourself of whoever it is so you can go back to your solitary thoughts. Tonight, you ultimately just want to be alone. The last thing you expect is for it to be him, looking as if his world just crashed around him.

You quickly block your surprise and replace it with a genuine smile. You usher him in and he quickly wraps you in the tightest of embraces. All of your instincts tell you something is wrong. You know he needs to talk about it, and you know how to get him to talk. You pepper him with questions and over time, you see his features ease.

You withhold judgment, even though you're surprised by what he's telling you. The Time Lord Victorious isn't someone you care to cross paths with, but you understand why it's finally come out. In fact, deep down, if you admit it, a part of you wonders why this side of him hasn't shown itself before.

He talks until the wee hours of the night, and you stay with him, continuing to listen. That's what he needs right now, a friendly and sympathetic ear. You can't stop the yawns though, you are still human, after all. He encourages you to get some sleep and reassures you that he won't disappear in the night. He's not ready to say goodbye just yet. Truth be told, neither are you. No matter what else, you've missed him.

You wake up when the bedroom door creaks and know he's entered the room. Part of you is surprised, but the other part isn't. He's checking on you, just like he always did. While not shocking, the last thing you expect is for him to slide into bed behind you, his arms wrapping themselves around you instinctively, his body melding itself to yours. You close your eyes and reach up to cover his hands with yours. You pretend this is normal, that he holds you like this every night, blocking out the fact that it's been closer to three decades since that last time.

His body is smaller in this incarnation, but it's still him. You still feel as if you belong here, in his arms. Even through his clothes and your nightgown, you can feel the temperature differences between you. It's reassuring in its alien familiarity. Sleep weighs heavily on you until you can't fight it any longer.

During the night, you rouse and feel arms around you. Then you remember that it's the Doctor holding you yet again. You turn in his embrace, pretending to still be asleep. There's a part of you that wants to kiss him, but the face is wrong. This isn't your Doctor, although in the same sense, it is.

You finally open your eyes and he's watching you. Like he has so many times in the past. Though the eyes are a different colour, they still reflect all that he was to you, and still is if you allow yourself to admit it. You smile and reach out to tentatively smooth down his shirt. There would've been a time when touching him was expected, anticipated. More memories float up to the surface that you haven't entertained for years.

You know it's almost morning, and soon he'll leave you. He always does, it's his way. He could never stay confined to one world, one time. It would suffocate him. There are times, although you hate to admit it, but it suffocates you as well. Or it would if it wasn't for your kids, and yes, you sometimes consider Clyde and Rani to be yours as well, because you feel responsible for them. This planet would smother you if you let it.

He reaches out and ghosts his fingers along your face. A part of you would love to go with him, stand beside him, going through space and time. Best friends, facing the universe like all those years before. However, you can't regain the past, no matter how glorious it looks in retrospect. You have responsibilities here.

You've become a mother, so you fall back on the staple of mothers everywhere and offer him breakfast. It's almost too domestic, but it's another role you've had to pick up over time. You start to pull away, but he takes your hands in his and brings them to his lips, planting the gentlest of kisses there. You give him a slight nod, thanking him for still caring for you.

Luke joins you for breakfast, asking questions as always before heading off to school. His mind is amazing to watch. You already know that he can think circles around you, but you give him your love and guidance. He gives you a reason to come home at night and eat regular meals. Sometimes it's nice not being alone all the time. It connects you back to humanity in a way you thought you'd lost.

You watch the Doctor over breakfast and you can see the wheels turning in his mind. You know him well enough to know he's planning something. And you don't necessarily approve. You tilt your head as you regard him, letting him know that you can read him better now than you ever could when you were travelling together.

He tells you about the Ood prophecy. His past is catching up with him and his future seems to be planned out already. It's not something that he's comfortable with, nor is it the way you want to see him live his life. You can't help the tears that well up as your heart breaks for him. He reaches out and holds your face, brushing away those tears with his thumbs. He stands, then pulls you to stand in front of him. He gives you a look before leaning in and kissing you. In that instant, time is erased and you're the inquisitive young journalist and he's the scarf wearing bohemian set to carry you across all of time and space.

You know he has to leave, but you feel the hesitation coming from him. Neither of you want this moment to end. It's a gift to have him here again. His feelings seem so obvious now, and yours never were a secret. He holds you tight, and you close your eyes to memorise everything about him. Even if you never see this body of his again, you will always have this moment.

He is so important to you, and while he came here looking for something, he's also given you something in return. He is so special to you, and while you may never vocalise your true feelings, you hope he knows just how much he means to you.


End file.
